Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.

So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options

There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.

Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*

Old man standing next to me: Ouch!

Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.

[knock on door]

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

ME (hates gossip): no

coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator

[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.

Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs

Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP

Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.

Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person

[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]

“Did you say single?”

A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.

Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.

Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime

“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”

“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.

I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…

ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?

WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao

Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.

Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.

I trust that will be the end of that.

During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive

*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…

[On the phone with my bookie]

Put it all on Jesus and let it ride

[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]

my phone: spam risk

NEMESIS: i hate you

ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend

NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?

ME: i’ll ask my mom

Save a reindeer.

Ride a Canadian.

I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her

guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp

[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees

MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.

ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.

[meanwhile in ufo]

ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?

DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.

Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it

Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…

So far, nobody can tell the difference.

When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.