Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.

centipede: *trips*

*but for like, an hour*

a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO

Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas

Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am

it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..

celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave

Daddy, where do bananas come from?

Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…

[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex

fibonacci: absolutely not

All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.

[The year was 2050]

“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”

“There was a time when this was illegal you know”

Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.

date: do you like reading?

me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?

We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”

I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀

[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*

Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.

Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*

Friend: Bad breakup?

Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

You didn’t say anything.

Yes, you’re welcome.

It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend

I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.

Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.

Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep

The French cow says MEUX…

*starts the dishwasher*

*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*

Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings

Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one

Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.

Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?

Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.

One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.

Open for business, 24/7

~my stomach