Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.

[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”

[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”

Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.

I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.

We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.

No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.

I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.

Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.

The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people

Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics

My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?

*Flashback to 2014*

My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.

I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.

Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.

-mental notes I take watching crime tv.

OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here

tag yourself

First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.

Me: [trying to act normal]

Nearby Person: hey man are you ok

PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.

My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.

[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees

Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!

Her: We’ve never met.

Me: That long huh?

Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them

Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?

Me: Um no, just holding hands

DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?

Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit

INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?

ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.

If you love something, set it free.

(Does not apply to ferrets.)*

*I am no longer allowed on the subway.

A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends

Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.

Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.