Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree

Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.

Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb

Guy: *combing teeth* thanks

We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?

With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?

[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*

It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much

This anagram machine is out of order.

My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.

Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal

I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.

I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.

Me: Are the bowling trophies included?

Realtor: Haha

Me: …

Realtor: …no, they aren’t

Me: I’m not interested then

I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.

I eat them now.

If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.

God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.

Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.

Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.

If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.

The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.

Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?

Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!

*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.

My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting

Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.

i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot

In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.

i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume

You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.