So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
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Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
car not found
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out