So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
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If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Y’all ready for this
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN