“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
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Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Me: I need to go for a run to clear my head.
Also me, 500 feet down the road: OK that’s clear enough.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.