“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
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ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
[adds another nod to the conversation]
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.