“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
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Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried
I have two arms and should easily overpower him
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings