Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich

Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.

[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help

*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.

people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?

Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.

Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.

My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.

We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji

Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.

Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!

dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!

Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday

Dad: internet people aren’t real friends

Me: *to dm room* he says thanks

This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen

I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.

When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.

[Commercial for axes]

[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]

*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”

[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.

Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?

oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’

Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.

Her: OMG I love The Rock.

Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?

SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?

DRYER: rot in hell, pig

Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.

In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.

Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy

I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.

I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.

I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.

superman: nice car does it have gps

batman: no

superman: then how do you know where you’re going

batman: *starts screaming*

Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm

date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”

ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?

WIFE: For real

ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.