So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
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[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.