So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
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Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.