Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”

Twitter: lol, you said “came”.

me: that guy is half drunk

Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him

My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.

Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.

Sam: No one else is here.

Sam: You’re here.

Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!

Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!

You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.

“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”

foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao

My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”

“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”

~ The person that is wrong

welcome to janurary 32nd everyone

Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.

Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.

The past three months of 2021 have flown by.

Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.

5: im so bored

me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen

5: im not very bored though

My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.

Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏

“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”

[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]

Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.

So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?

[texting]

me: touching my duck n thinking of you

her: gross, go to hell

me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it

(Sigh)

I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…

WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense

FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?

the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.

Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.

Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.

anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer

I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.

Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday

I don’t call them exes, I call them whys

My wife said I need to grow up.

I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth