Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito

The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.

Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips

can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week

New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75

Never talking to anyone:

Priceless.

Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.

i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries

The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕

I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.

I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.

“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy

Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone

workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them

My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.

Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?

Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.

One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me

Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.

I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks

Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.

Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.

ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.

THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.

Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.

Cashier: Big weekend plans?

Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.

[Sesame Street casting]

Director: We need role models for the kids

“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”

Director: Anything else?

“Two jobless roommates”

Director: First of all I love it

When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”

Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*

My kids: what have you done?!

Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat

*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all

*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few

In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.