Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.

*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*

“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”

Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots

I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.

I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.

The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.

Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.

-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?

Um, like…to dinner.

-Cool, cool.

DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property

Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.

Judge: You have power of attorney?

Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?

My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.

There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.

My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.

Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.

In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s

I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.

Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?

FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ

“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”

No.

“I’ve got plenty of time.”

Sure.

“I’m not lonely.”

Sir, are you going to buy anything?

The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.

superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts

me: this is relatable as hell

I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation

“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”

Fun Fact:

If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.

You’re welcome.

This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo

If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.

It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.

I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting

David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.

Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.