so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
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My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
We watched Flight of the Navigator and my son asked if I had seen it before. I told him I saw it in the theater when it came out. “SERIOUSLY?!?” he asked. I said “yeah…why are you shocked?” and he goes, “Oh, sorry, I just never know what kind of technology y’all had back then.”
I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead