so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
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I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
liiiiiiiiike
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.