so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
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She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
Seriously why do people do this to themselves?
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
That’s amazing can I get a bud light please
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.