“so what brings you to therapy today?”
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The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.