“so what brings you to therapy today?”
You Might Also Like
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin