“so what brings you to therapy today?”
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When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot
Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs