“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
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no one likes gloating
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.