Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.

never let them know your next move: signal left, then turn right

[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”

“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.

[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.

GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.

ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.

With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us

Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card

yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter

channeling her this year

Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.

My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.

If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”

If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”

[Going to Starbucks for the first time]

*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*

[a little later]

‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’

Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…

I’ve been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”

what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN

what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk

Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working

Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.

HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u

I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.

*goes to Walmart*

*goes to Target*

*flies across world*

*takes train*

*rides in car*

*hikes highest mountain*

*gets to Guru*

Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?

I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.

HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.

ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.

I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.

why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free

changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities

[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later

*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving

Ouija: G O B B L E