“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
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At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…