“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
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me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down