So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
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wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Saw Babygirl today and 40 minutes into the movie the old white guy sitting next to me turned to his wife and said, “this is not a Christmas movie,” and they got up and left. That’s the power of cinema, baby.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience
“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first