Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.

My safe word is “insufficient funds”.

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’

ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?

I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.

Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”

I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.

if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me

I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.

Boss: Did you have anything to add?

Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.

Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?

[sitting on the deck with my son]

Me: look son, everything the light touches-

Son: yes dad?

Me: -you have to mow.

Pros & cons of being a skeleton:

Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..

Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone

When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.

[talking to my son]

Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name

A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again

How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?

“Sir, this is a liquor store.”

Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*

Me:

turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi

I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.

– whenever we have company and are never remodeling

Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!

Me: that’ll all stop once you show up

Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.

Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.

Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.

Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.

You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.

me: sord

English: sword

me: why

English: because i like it lol

me: that’s not a good anser

English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this

If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.