So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
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Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior