Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror

If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you

[first day in the army]

me: hi I like your slacks

him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants

me: ok but I also like your blouse

ㅤ

Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles

A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.

“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”

So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.

Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say

friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU

me: OH NO!

People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.

My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.

Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.

Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”

My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.

If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”

CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now

Magician: Is this your card?

Me: Oh my god, it is!

Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.

Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.

Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather

Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?

my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.

<Enter Password>

Morningbreath

<Password too strong>

GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*

[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger

astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely

[texting]

Him: What’re you doing

Me: Watching a chicken strip

H: Why don’t you just eat it

M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD

[Doctors appt]

Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.

Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.

If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.

[attending a lecture on kleptomania]

Me: *taking notes*

Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes

Once a lap dog, always a lap dog

If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.

Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.