Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Romeo: *is added to DM room*

Juliet: *is taking a room break*

Romeo: *leaves room*

Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*

anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government

Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

Do not drink and drive..

because there are people out there who text and drive…

and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!

My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.

So I’ve sent in my wedding album.

*Rides unicorn to work*

*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*

*Chats with mermaids*

*Argues with Medusa*

*Gets called in to HR*

*Fails drug test*

I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…

I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…

Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.

Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.

“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director

If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing

Who hurt you ?

Me: Monday.

I have the impulse control of a random number generator.

Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.

ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?

GUY: fruit flies I think

ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug

This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”

‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’

~The monster under my bed

*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*

7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?

Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.

*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*

My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times

My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds

A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”

There is still no bar

I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.

ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo

KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*

ME: holy shit

Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.

Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”

Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you

Digital security in Ancient Troy

having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex