Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SEVEN DEADLY SINS

Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting

Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛

I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.

*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance

If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left

I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.

Short story

People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!

{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.

they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane

I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.

Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:

1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed

Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.

*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*

Mercury in retrograde again I see

Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?

Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out

hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car

Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?

phew

Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!

9: But I didn’t

Me: Not now but it could have hit him

9: But it didn’t

Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt

9: But he didn’t

Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one

The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us

*In fancy restaurant*

Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?

Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh

What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: *weaving through traffic*

PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?

When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.

my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this

If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated

aaaaand send

Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?