So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
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Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table