So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
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boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore
Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”
They were going to a funeral.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping