So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
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bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
early stone age tool
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?