So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
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Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
I don’t think we should be adding any new states to the US until we fix whatever the fuck is wrong with New Jersey
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.
We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!
I stand by it
