So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
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My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.