So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
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Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Mornin