So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
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frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
We will use anything but the metric system
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
