So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
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I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Okay
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.