Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts

I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.

My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.

Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.

Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.

CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.

TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.

In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.

Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.

Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.

Employee: please stop

Me: I’m just finding the right avocado

Employee: people usually just squeeze it

Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?

Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”

Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”

People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.

🤷🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️😩

At the park.

4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?

Me:

Me:

Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!

Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.

back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today

my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35

me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”

🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶

I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.

Turns out I was on the mothership.

(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas

I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.

Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:

Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too

This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.

Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”

No, I don’t think I will.

I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.