Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.

[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*

Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.

“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”

If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.

CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma

CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid

Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan

Bought a new exercise program

Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort

So I did

Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.

Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses

Coach: Ice cream! My treat

Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?

Coach: My treat

I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.

My ex left because I “lack imagination”.

“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.

Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..

there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body

Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?

Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit

Me: ok

*nun screams*

therapist: and what motivation will we use ?

me: hate fueled spite ?

therapist: no

Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.

Me: They’re right.

*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*

When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.

A face that lunched a thousand chips.

When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”

there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks

[bank holdup]

Bank teller: interesting choice in masks

Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores

Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush

IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?

Date: I’m looking for security

Me: I double knot my shoelaces

Date: but also excitement

Me: together

So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.

*Snowman wakes up in hospital*

“What happened to me?!”

Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?

Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand