Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you think you’d make a good sniper?

[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•

the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone

I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him

I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.

I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck

– The inventor of the scarf

*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*

– parallel parking a time machine

if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm

When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.

Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no

Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?

Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.

Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.

My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.

My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.

They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.

I now have what I like to call “my cake.”

It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.

I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.

[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2

Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.

I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.

The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.

by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people

What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.

What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.

Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.

it was love at first sight

First rule of flight club…no penguins.

My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.

Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending

what

[ordering Indian food]

them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-

me: I’m white

them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?

“There’s a clown hanging over you.”

“You mean cloud.”

“I wish I did.”

“Dammit.”

“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”

About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.