date: i am an old-fashioned lady
[to impress her]
me: *striking stones furiously to light a cigarette*
So what if I used a time machine to kill Hitler but arrived too late? And now he’s alive and knows how to time travel? Would you guys be mad
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Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
I really hope we can call ninjas with red hair “ginjas”.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
I just want to buy an old Mercedes Benz,so people will think I have been rich for a long time.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body