*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
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i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys