Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.

Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom

What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.

Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.

I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.

Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏

Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran

“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”

me: [yawning] might get dressed today

coworkers in zoom meeting: please do

Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.

Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.

if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”

Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home

live, laugh, laundry.

I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.

1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.

2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.

*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”

Friend: Whatcha up to?

Me: Just chewing my toenails.

Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.

Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?

Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.

Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”

Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.

Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.

I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders

When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt

Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play

Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37

It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.

You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic

outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now

me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email

outlook: [confused hissing]