“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
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Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
All I’m saying is you know it’s been a successful Thanksgiving when your clothes no longer fit.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Me: time to be better with my finances
Them: you could stop buying things
Me: not like that
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Sledding is the best! (until you have to walk back up the hill)
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.