Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space

Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?

Henopause

Annnd, send tweet.

So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.

Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.

And I’ve said too much.

I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.

wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?

me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party

wife: that’s not a thing at funerals

Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.

*gets pulled over*

Do you know how fast you were going?

*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*

Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.

I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes

Angel: Awww babies are so cute!

God: Make them scream

Angel: W-why?

God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?

For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair

You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.

3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done

Absolutely no one:

3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!

Someone: your tweet is unnecessary

Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT

I’m all “class”.

The first two letters really aren’t necessary.

[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”

[best read with a French accent]

“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”

My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.

12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie

I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:

Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.

Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”

Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.

HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.

… Nailed it!

Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.

Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.

Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving

Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project

I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.

Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.

Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.

Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.

[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya