Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby

my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.

[my first day as an art teacher]

“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”

(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)

Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”

Potatoes:

I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.

Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?

After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.

I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..

Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?

Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book

make up your mind

I don’t think my family will ever accept me.

First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”

Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo

Alfredo: Fettucine and what?

People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”

Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?

neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?

me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.

my gf left me bc i’m paranoid

nvm she’s back, she went pee

me: ahh vacation

brain: time to relax

me: no work

brain: well it’s still there

me: stop

brain: just… waiting

me: please

brain: g r o w i n g

me: no

This egg could use more egg

– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce

ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you

LION: I just have one of those familiar faces

ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with

toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*

Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…

If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.

me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god

“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”

– Me, to my coffee

*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*

Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:

-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes

If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.

Unhappy with work? Have a child.

Now you love work.

[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing

My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before

WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.

WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.