So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
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Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
they need to invent a dishwasher with a window on it. i have to know what goes on in there
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.