So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
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3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
bury ourselves
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert