so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
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Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts