“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
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Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
I was bored.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal
Covid like
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!
Worst Native American name ever.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.