“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
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8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Always leave them wanting their money back.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.