Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *lifts couch cushion*

6yo: what are you looking for?

Me: six thousand dollars

Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap

“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair

‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’

~cats

Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?

new app: may we send you notifications?

me: sure

app: *sends notification*

me: oh hell no

in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened

*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*

My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions

[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct

11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.

I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers

I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.

You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.

👍

#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit

COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.

(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!

(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.

Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???

Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.

*pushes their faces together*

Me: Did they kiss and make up?

5: No. She headbutted him.

Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?

Me: Yes, Your Majesty.

Judge: Your Honor.

Me: Oh, Thank you….

sensitive skin

Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake

Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.

I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.

Her: I love a bad guy

Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.