Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.

I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.

People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are

Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep

ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…

If you can’t beat them

Just try sunny side up

Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.

Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume

Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.

My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.

“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.

People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”

People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”

Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.

Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.

Her: That’s fine by me!

*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*

ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?

HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.

Ducks don’t talk…

I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?

“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”

Me: table for two

Hostess: did you have reservations

Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now

Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene

Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.

So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.

I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.

“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.

Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*

5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?

A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”