Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
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I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Every. Damn. Time.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.