Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍

Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.

Cashier: this coupon expired last week

Me: so did this yogurt

ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like

Sex in the snow is wintercourse.

I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.

I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:

Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans

Disadvantages
None that I can think of

If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.

Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.

Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.

My really creepy/annoying neighbor asked me to borrow $20 for an emergency last week and now he’s been ducking me and it’s so awesome. Would have payed way more to get this guy to leave me alone

If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check

husband: help me choose a baby name.

me: ok, but shouldn’t we go with an adult one?

I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.

Me: hey, I like your tummy

Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets

Sexting:

Him: What do you like in the bedroom?

Me: Sleeping.

Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?

Me: Close the door on your way out.

Him: No, I meant…

Me: Also lock the door.

Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.

Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.

the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”

At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”

Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called

The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105

Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.

No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.

They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”

Phone

Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.

Me: It’s okay. I’m up.

Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?

Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.

So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.

Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.