Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.

*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face

Now it looks like me.

If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.

Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.

ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho

When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”

*limbos under the caution tape

I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .

Me: Why are you digging in your ear?

3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!

Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try

If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.

Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.

the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps

you: weird flex but ok

an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless

me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas

[on a date]

me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.

cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely

[wife frantically searching the house]

Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere

[me napping on couch]

OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS

Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.

I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.

Livid.

When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform

My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch

With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse

I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.

[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet

If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.

I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.

okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic

DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!

My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.