Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator

Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?

Losers.

I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more

The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.

luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker

I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.

toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking

News: Gas shortage

Me: Haha

News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage

Me: NO

Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?

her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie

me: sure

[at her place]

her: *waiting for me to make a move*

me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking

I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.

Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”

Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”

Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.

Never judge a book by its cover…

Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.

[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting

if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.

Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”

Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”

“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”

(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003

7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?

Me: Here just use this Captain America

4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME

(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!

tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell

My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me

[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?

I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.

I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist

Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???

It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.

Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.