Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?

Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines

I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.

Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.

I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.

[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]

Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?

handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat

JK it’s spam

“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw

Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile

Me: smells good, what’s cooking?

Wife: bacon

Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg

My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-

I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…

[saying goodnight in French]

me: bon nuit

autocorrect: bone unit

The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.

*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”

Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.

Shepherd: I got ewe babe.

If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM

I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..

Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times

me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*

her: I said it’s *petrified* wood

me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me

This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen

I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal

Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.

some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]

My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.

“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”

My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.

God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes

Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode

Me: What?

Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?

Me: Why are you being like this?

Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone

If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.

One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”