Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:

was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?

ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?

What is a Sherpa?

“Let me summit up for you.”

the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.

pictures of spider-man

If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”

i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied

Imagine falling in love with me then finding out I’m a slow walker

Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.

My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.

If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?

The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”

Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.

Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.

●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.

Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?

Me: Revenge.

Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.

Surely these children should be in bed by now?

– me, anytime after 4pm

I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.

I know a bad idea when I see one.

Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.

Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.

If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”

[First date]

DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.

ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.

DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?

ME: It’s not my arm.

Cardio Made Easy

Relationship stress can make you very confused!

Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?

Allow me to slip into something more out the window.

Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.

Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?

Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.

Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”

Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.