So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
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Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second