Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?

WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.

Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting

Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”

HR reminds us to proof read before sending

I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.

He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!

#jokes

I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.

But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying

Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.

4: Let’s play.

Me: Ok.

4: You can be the mommy.

Me: Sure.

4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.

Me: Nope, I’m out.

🤣

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.

PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!

ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?

Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20

It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying

I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.

I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.

I bought it in 2007.

Cw: you have a call holding

M: put it in my voicemail

Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent

M: hiiii this is Jennifer

Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….

i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle

Noah was an idiot.

I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.

Someone: what have you been up to?

Me: thanks, you too.

If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone

I’d hire this kid in 10 years.

Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?

netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?

me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise

netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures

me: absolutely not

netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS

me: this is my worst nightmare

Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.

Awwwww shit.