So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
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If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.