So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
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Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner
Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Jus’ sayin. 😐
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s
fourth time’s the charm
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry CavillAnd, no, it’s not a chowder class.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do