Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.

My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family

[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]

TSA agent: Good evening sir

Me: Nothing

Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me

Judge: way past that

How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun

*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest

Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?

i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover

[My first day as a garbageman]

Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.

Me: Goddammit

Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.

So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.

Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.

Me: No kidding.

Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans

[visiting Hell as a tourist]

Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs

Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled

Satan: congratulations you get to stay here

If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab

Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.

You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?

-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.

All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.

“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.

I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.

I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.

Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

Establish dominance over your children by whining louder

Spins a web.

Any size.

Catches thieves.

Just like flies.

He waits.

The thieves come.

The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.

He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.

Look out.

Here comes the Spider-Man.

I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.

What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?

[during sex]

her: do you want to try a new position?

me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles

her: what

me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors

her: stop

Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.

” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium