So, when does this adulthood thing start then?

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Days 1-4 after buying bananas: I don’t really feel like having a banana

Day 5: shit, I better eat a banana

Day 6: hello, 911, I ate 7 bananas


The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.


So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.


I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.


Superman: I am an all powerful alien with only one weakness.
Batman: Is it bats? Please say bats.


If okcupid is all that great, then why would you need a 3 or 6 month subscription ?


friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?

me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk


*picks up frog*

*kisses it*

Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?

Me: oh thank god.


It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.