@Token_Geezer

So, when does this adulthood thing start then?

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@MableGertrude

Why would you be scared to get Ebola? You haven’t left your couch since 2011.

@stockejock

You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma

@ItMightBeJimbo

Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.

She’ll find love in another man.

@IGN

He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter

@weenbeans

I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.

@mommajessiec

My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.

@LoveNLunchmeat

[watching basketball]

I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.

And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.

@TheWoodenslurpy

Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain