It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
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Why would you be scared to get Ebola? You haven’t left your couch since 2011.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.
She’ll find love in another man.
He who must not be selfied.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain