So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
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Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
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i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.