Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.

reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping

[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*

My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less

“Where is the bathroom”

and a bit more

“She was dead when we got here”.

*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.

“Shake your money maker”

Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

Direct deposit: $1,400

Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*

Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.

Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?

“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”

Causes of childhood anxiety:

4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.

Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.

Thanks. It’s my face. lol

You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread

I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .

Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.

In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter

[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk

[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory

I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4

When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.

GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?

MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…

GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?

ed has no gf cuz sheran away

netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?

me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise

netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures

me: absolutely not

netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS

me: this is my worst nightmare