So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
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Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
My humor is broken
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Just so funny
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT