So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
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Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*