So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
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As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Gotta love the Dead Kennedys
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”