So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
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If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
it’s important to know at least one guy who you find really annoying but who is also very similar to you. it keeps you humble and aware
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me