So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
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Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
A small tragedy.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure