Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?

My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.

“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”

mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-

[From outside] LOOFAS!

I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.

9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.

Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait

captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals

crew: I I captain

My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.

*goes to the gym*

*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*

*hurries to the bar*

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that

I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.

something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care

{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.

Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.

I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!

Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.

Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”

Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider

“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”

some things should go without saying

Nobody seems more shocked, disappointed and dismayed than the person behind the Post Office counter when I arrive and say I’ve got something to post.

My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.

Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.

Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.

Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.

“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!

“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”

Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long

AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.

Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth