So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
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I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*