So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
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Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.