So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?
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If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
“you guys will complain about anything” yeah im on the complain app
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people