So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?
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Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Very good! 👍😂
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus