Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in bed]

Me: Don’t you love being on top?

Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind

Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom

Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time

Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.

Brb my Sims are getting married

ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like

The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.

“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”

— Mark Twain

me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people

me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful

Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.

Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?

*speed dating

So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.

WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid

ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen

Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.

I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.

I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.

HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.

I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer

fellas, if your girl:

•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so long

she’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom

To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.

It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.

I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.

Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.

Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?

Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.

My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate

I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.

If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.

My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”

volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first

“Where do babies comes from?”

Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.