Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.

Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.

Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’

[Wonder Woman shows up]

Superman: Is she with you?

Batman: I thought she was with you?

Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today

Polite kitties have good etiquecat

Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo

Alfred: right away, Bruce-o

WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree

There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.

Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.

My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.

consequences, the bane of my existence

He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.

I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.

God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago

Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha

God *creates salt*

me: *having prostate examination*

doc: omg, when was this last wiped?

me: WHAT

doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady

I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting

I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?

I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.

welcome back

bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”

…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??

My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?

[ first date ]

her: i want a partner that can open my heart

me: well i am a surge-

her: and never do anything to shock me

me: protector

Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?

Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat

Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.

ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you

ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator

A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice

them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait

a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats

I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..

“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”

– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology