So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?
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I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
technically true but not a great slogan
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned